Boundaries are really about behaviours.

Exploring what's 'healthy' and 'unhealthy'.

Even though it’s a common phrase that people use - “Healthy boundaries” - I tend to think that a boundary, on its own, isn’t really ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy’.

I’m sure it’s possible to come up with an unhealthy boundary…like “I want to hold people accountable to treating me badly.” Or “I want to control other people’s feelings.”

But that’s not usually why most people want to talk about boundaries.

(Go on, have a go at coming up with some unhealthy boundaries, it hurt my brain but was also kind of fun).

Most of the time, people have a ‘healthy’ limit that they’re trying to set:

• Being asked for consent before being touched by a physio or fitness instructor.

• Having personal time respected by work demands.

Where it is more helpful to use terms like ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy’ is in how we hold the boundary:

• What we say, and how we say it.

• What we do.

• How we listen to the response - and how we respond in turn.

Healthy boundaries are visible in actions, choices, and interactions.

So let’s dive deep into healthy behaviours when it comes to boundaries.

Healthy behaviours in action. And interaction.

Healthy boundaries show up in how we behave with others.

Here are a few examples:

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Disagreeing respectfully

rather than

Keeping the peace by agreeing to everything.

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Saying no after considering the request.

rather than

Saying yes (or no) automatically, even when overwhelmed.

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Receiving a ‘no’ and agreeing to explore alternatives

rather than

Expecting a ‘yes’ to all your requests.

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There are more examples of healthy boundary behaviours in the downloadable document below, with space to add your own.